At the end of a long day of weeding or after a disappointing harvest, there is one thing that really lifts a gardener’s mood: a good laugh! So I’ve gathered some of my favorite funny gardening quotes and humor. I dare any gardener to read this page and not laugh!
Contents
Funny Gardening Quotes
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
~Doug Larson~
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.
~Sara Stein~
My wife’s a water sign. I’m an earth sign. Together we make mud.
~Rodney Dangerfield~
I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
~Jerry Seinfeld~
Gardening requires lots of water – most of it in the form of perspiration.
~Lou Erickson~
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.
~Dave Barry~
A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of.
~T.H. Everett~
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
~Emilie Barnes~
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
~Dave Barry~
There’s one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor’s.
~Clyde Moore~
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.
~C.E. Cowman~
The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden.
~Ray D. Everson~
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
~Unknown~
Gardening Jokes
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
What’s the best part of gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes
Unearthed Comics
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret in a garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
What does the letter “A” have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny.
Alexei Talimonov
Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar.
What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A Leek.
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose.
What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don’t work half the time.
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. She goes to her neighbor and asks, “Your tomatoes are ripe, but mine are green. What can I do about it?” The neighbor replies, “Well, it may sound absurd but try this. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Figuring she didn’t have anything to lose, the woman tries it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So-so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
What kind of tree has hands?
A palm tree.
What do trees drink?
Root beer.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
How do you stop moles from digging in your garden?
Take away their shovels.
A woman asks her neighbor, “can I borrow your lawnmower?” Her neighbor says, “No, he’s not home yet.”
What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots.
What do you call a homeless snail?
A slug.
What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
Nothing. It just gave a little wine.